How to divide a parent's belongings fairly

Families rarely fall out over a house. More often it's a teapot, or Dad's watch, or who went into the bedroom on the morning after the funeral. Small things can have a great deal attached to them, and the decisions have to be made when everyone is tired and grieving.

Fairness here is mostly about how you decide. People can accept not getting something if they've had a real chance to say they wanted it.

What the law decides first

Before you agree anything among yourselves, check what the will or the law has already settled.

• If there's a will, any specific gifts go to the people named. The rest of the personal possessions may be left to one person, or shared between several "as they shall agree".
• If the will mentions a letter of wishes, it isn't legally binding, but the executors will normally follow it, and so will most families.
• If there's no will, the intestacy rules decide who inherits. A surviving spouse or civil partner receives all personal possessions. If there's no surviving spouse, children share equally.
• The executor has the final say on the process. They're responsible for making sure things go to the right people, and it's reasonable for them to set the ground rules.

The people who inherit can agree to change what they receive. If they want to redirect what they've inherited, a deed of variation made within 2 years of the death can do that for tax purposes. Ask a solicitor if the sums are large. Our deed of variation guide explains how it works.

Before anyone takes anything

Two rules prevent most of the trouble:

1. 1Nothing leaves the house until the list is finished. This includes the small things and things that were "promised" to somebody.
2. 2Everyone sees the same list. Photograph each thing and share it, so that the brother in Canada has the same chance as the sister who lives round the corner.

The person on the spot often gets accused of helping themselves, even when they've done nothing of the kind. A shared list protects them as well as everyone else.

Fair ways to decide who gets what

Pick a method before you start, and don't change it halfway through. All of these work, and the one that suits you depends on how many of you there are and how much trust there is.

Say what you'd like, and why

Everyone goes through the list on their own and marks the things they'd like, with a sentence about why. Often this resolves most of it, because people want different things. One of you wants the piano, another wants the recipe book, and nobody knew that until it was written down.

Take turns

For whatever's left, draw lots for who goes first, and take it in turns to choose one thing. Reversing the order each round (1, 2, 3, then 3, 2, 1) stops the first person from having a permanent advantage.

Give everyone the same number of stickers

Each person gets an equal number of coloured stickers or tags to put on what matters most. Anything with only one person's sticker on it is settled. Where stickers overlap, you talk it through.

Balance by value

If some items are worth much more than others, get an independent valuation and keep a running total, so that everyone receives about the same value. If it doesn't balance, the person with more can pay the difference to the others, or it can come out of their share of the estate. This works best for jewellery, art and other things with a clear price.

Sell it and split it

If several people want something and nobody will back down, selling it and sharing the money is fair. The prospect usually focuses the mind, and people often find a solution once a sale is a real possibility.

When two people want the same thing

This will happen, so try these in order:

1. 1Ask each person what it means to them. The story often settles it. Someone who has a memory of the watch may have a stronger claim than someone who just likes it.
2. 2See if it can be shared. Could one person have it for now and leave it to the other's children? Could one have the watch and the other the letters that went with it?
3. 3Offer a trade. Something else from the list might be just as welcome.
4. 4Leave it for a while and come back to it at the end, when everything else is settled.
5. 5Toss a coin or draw lots, having agreed beforehand that the result is final.
6. 6Sell it, as a last resort and only if everyone agrees.

For a piece of real sentimental value, photograph it well and consider having copies made of any letters and photographs. If you scan family albums and share the files, everyone can have them.

Don't forget the people outside the family

Carers, neighbours and old friends often appreciate being offered something small to remember the person by. Ask the executor first, and keep it to things of modest value. Think too about grandchildren, who may want something that their parents wouldn't think to ask for.

If it's turning into a real dispute

If the conversation has broken down, a neutral third person can help before anyone reaches for a solicitor. A mediator can often do in a few hours what letters between lawyers take months over, and at much lower cost.

If someone has taken things without agreement, or is refusing to return them, the executor should write to them, set out what's missing and ask for it back. It may then be time for legal advice. The executor has a duty to the estate as a whole, which includes recovering things that were taken. We cover this in our guide to what an executor does.

Write it down

Once you've decided, record who is getting what and have everyone confirm it. The executor needs written confirmation that beneficiaries received their share for the final accounts anyway. Having it in one place also stops the same conversation from happening again two years later.

After that, clearing the rest of the house is a much simpler job.

Common questions

How do you divide family heirlooms between siblings?

Start with what the will says. Then share a full list with photos, let everyone mark what they want and why, and take turns choosing in an agreed order. Use a draw to decide the order, and settle ties by talking first.

Do siblings have to split belongings equally?

Only if the will or the intestacy rules say so. Many wills leave it to the beneficiaries to agree. Equal doesn't have to mean the same number of things. It can mean equal value, or simply that everyone is happy with the result.

Can one sibling take everything?

Not unless the will gives everything to them. Even a child who cared for a parent has no automatic right to the contents of the house, and taking things without the executor's agreement can lead to a legal claim.

What if a sibling has already taken things from the house?

Stay calm and ask first. There may be an innocent explanation. Then record what's missing and ask the executor to deal with it. An executor who knows something has gone and does nothing could be held responsible by the other beneficiaries.

Sources

• GOV.UK: Who inherits if someone dies without a will
• Inheritance Tax Act 1984, section 142
• GOV.UK: Records to keep after valuing an estate

This guide is general information for people in England and Wales. The rules in Scotland and Northern Ireland can differ. It isn't legal, tax or financial advice, and Sortwell isn't a law firm or a valuer. If an estate is complicated or there's a disagreement, talk to a solicitor. Figures were checked on the date above.